Over the last 10 years, I’ve hosted over 770 dinners, inviting everyone from Fortune 500 executives to strangers who just need a table to belong to.
My work and mission has always been to help people build community and feel a stronger sense of gratitude. I love watching new relationships form, whether it’s a professional contact or a new friendship.
A pattern I’ve noticed is that the people with the highest emotional intelligence at our events don’t care about coming off like the smartest person in the room. Their biggest priority is making their conversation partner feel seen and understood.
Here are eight joyful phrases people with high emotional intelligence use to turn small talk into genuine connections.
1. ‘It sounds like this is really important to you.’
This is an invitation to go beyond the surface. It demonstrates that you are paying attention to not just the words the other person is saying, but the feelings behind them. When you do that, you show yourself to be both observant and trustworthy.
2. ‘Your eyes light up when you talk about this.’
People rarely know how they come across, and this is an opportunity to tell them. When you mirror a non-verbal cue back to someone, whether it’s a genuine smile or an imperceptible shift in their posture, it’s not only a great compliment, but it can also help your conversation partner clarify where their passions lie.
3. ‘I love how you worded that question. It’s so unexpected.’
People with high emotional intelligence value curiosity. This statement shows that you aren’t just looking for simple, agreed upon answers, and that you want to know more about how they think.
In organizing these dinners, I’ve found that seeing how someone asks questions is actually a great way to get a better understanding of who they are and what drives them.
4. ‘I’ve never looked at it that way.’
In a similar vein, don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know” or “I hadn’t considered that.” These responses signal that you’re open to being challenged.
People with high emotional intelligence don’t always need to be right. They believe that life is more interesting when you leave yourself open to collaboration and discovery. This sense of humility makes them magnetic to be around.
5. ‘What made you smile today?’
Instead of “How was your day?” which can lead to vague recaps that grind conversations to a halt, this question gives the other person a chance to recall a specific moment of joy. It’s a small shift that inspires gratitude and deeper reflection. It is also a simple way to stay present.
6. ‘Who is someone on your team that’s doing something worth celebrating?’
This one is inspired by my friend Michael O’Brien’s work. He is an organizational expert and executive coach who developed a framework called Appreciative Enquiry, which is all about flipping negativity bias.
We’re so wired to be on the lookout for problems, but when you ask people to articulate what’s actually working, you can help them see what is possible.
This phrase is great when you’re in an office or networking context. It can help build a work culture that is driven by recognition, rather than criticism.
7. ‘Can we slow that part down? I don’t want to miss it.’
We live in a world that is often obsessed with instant gratification, but people with high emotional intelligence know how to slow down, and are generous with their time.
This phrase shows that you care enough to pause and lean in. This is one time when interrupting can actually be a positive thing for a new relationship.
8. ‘Tell me more…’
My friend and mentor Felipe Gomez, one of the most emotionally intelligent people I know, uses this phrase with me all the time. I’ll share some half-baked ideas, and he’ll simply say: “Tell me more.”
It allows me to think more expansively and go in any weird or whimsical direction I want without fear of judgment.
All of these phrases can help turn ordinary exchanges into genuine moments of intimacy and trust. However, if you’re in a new social situation and you start to draw a blank, don’t worry about trying to say the “right” thing. Just find a way to show the person you’re with that they matter to you.
Chris Schembra is the founder of the 7:47 Gratitude Experience, a consultancy that helps Fortune 500 companies and global leaders build stronger cultures of empathy, trust and belonging. A Wall Street Journal bestselling author and international keynote speaker, Chris writes about gratitude as a strategy for resilience, leadership and business growth.
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