As a couples therapist, I’ve found that the way someone talks about their ex often offers a window into how they handle conflict, accountability, and healing.
If your partner can look back at a past relationship with a balanced view (e.g., “We both had good and hard moments,” or, “Here’s what we each did that didn’t help.”), it’s a green flag. But if they constantly bring up their ex in purely negative ways, they might end up repeating the same unhealthy patterns with you.
Here are six phrases the healthiest couples never say when talking about their exes.
1. ‘It was their fault that the relationship ended.’
This signals a lack of accountability. Most relationships are never one-sided. Both people shape the good and the bad. A partner stuck in blame may struggle with self-reflection and stay stuck in old patterns.
Similar phrases:
- “They always wanted things their way.”
- “We broke up because she couldn’t stop being so demanding.”
2. ‘That’s not how my ex would do it.’
It’s a red flag if they idealize an ex or constantly compare you to them. This suggests they’re still tied to the past (and to that partner), making it hard to build something new. Healthy reflection means seeing both the good and the bad, then moving forward.
Similar phrases:
- “They could do no wrong.”
- “Why can’t you be more easygoing, like my ex?”
3. ‘I want to check with my ex first and see what they think.’
If your partner frequently brings up their ex or still talks to them every day, it may point to unresolved feelings.
While some friendships with exes can be healthy, setting clear boundaries as you build your new relationship are essential. Without them, it’s hard to prioritize building a future with you.
Similar phrases:
- “I’m not sure our relationship can work if you have a problem with my ex and I talking every day.”
- “My ex and I hang out on the weekends. Do you want to join?”
4. ‘All my exes are narcissists.’
If your partner calls every ex a “narcissist,” “manipulator,” or “gaslighter,” take note of it.
This kind of name-calling also signals a tendency to externalize and place blame, instead of looking inward at their own behavior. Dismissing someone they once loved also shows a lack of respect. If they do it with someone else, they’ll likely do the same with you.
Similar phrases:
- “He was constantly manipulating me.”
- “I didn’t do anything wrong. She was just toxic and selfish.”
5. ‘I didn’t learn anything from them.’
All relationships offer a chance for people to grow and become more self-aware.
Asking, “What did your past relationships teach you?” is a powerful way to deepen your understanding of each other. But if they have no insight, it could be a sign that they struggle with healthy communication and compromise.
Similar phrases:
- “Those relationships didn’t mean anything to me.”
- “The relationship was a waste of time.”
6. ‘The past is the past. It doesn’t matter.’
When a partner downplays past relationships or avoids opening up, it’s a red flag — they may feel shame and try to avoid vulnerability by not sharing details with you.
Being vulnerable is essential for deepening intimacy. It’s one thing to feel discomfort in sharing. It’s another to dodge or cover up important details. A healthy partner can acknowledge difficult experiences while still moving forward.
Similar phrases:
- “It’s over, I don’t want to talk about this.”
- “Why dig up old wounds?”
If your partner says any of these phrases, don’t immediately run in the opposite direction. Being in a healthy relationship isn’t about avoiding red flags altogether. It’s about knowing what they mean, asking questions, and making choices that will bring you closer to building something safe and secure.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish is a clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and relationship expert. Her work has been featured in outlets like The New York Times, Forbes, and Time, and her research has appeared in peer-reviewed academic journals. She is the author of “I Didn’t Sign Up for This″ and the host of the parenting podcast Dear Dr. Tracy. Her second book, “You, Your Husband and His Mother,” will be released Fall 2025. She is the owner of the mental health clinic Integrated Wellness, and lives in Ottawa with her husband and two children.
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