The holidays are supposed to bring joy and connection. But for many of us, they bring stress and fraught family dynamics.
As a couples therapist, I hear the same question every year: “What do I say when my relatives make critical or overstepping comments?” Conflict with extended family is one of the most common reasons couples can feel distant and resentful towards one another. When they come to me, they want to know how to set clear boundaries and not fall back into old patterns.
With their relatives, many people often mistake a request (e.g., “please stop doing that”) for a boundary (e.g., “here’s what I will or won’t do”). Remember that true boundaries are about intentionally protecting your peace.
Here are six phrases to set boundaries with your family this holiday season.
1. ‘We’re parenting differently than what you chose to do, and that’s okay.’
You can use this when a family member says something like you’re raising “soft” kids or, “That’s not how we did it and our kids turned out fine.” You will invite differences without inviting debate.
You might offer a follow-up conversation, asking, “Would you be open to hearing more about the parenting research we’re following?”
If your family member isn’t interested in hearing this, or continues to argue from their perspective, avoid engaging in conversation around your parenting choices.
2. ‘I know the holidays are hard. We’re trying our best to see everyone, and that means making compromises.’
Use this response if someone starts the game of compare and despair, with lines like “You’re spending more time with her side” or “But we always do Thanksgiving together.”
Many couples today are redefining the holidays and choosing rest, presence, and connections over obligation and duty.
Let go of the idea that there is a “right” way to spend the holidays. Make a decision from your values as a couple.
3. ‘We’re on the same team, so we don’t talk about each other that way.’
Use this when a relative undermines your partner with comments like “You know how he is…” or “He’s never been great at that.”
Comments that pit you against your partner are subtle but corrosive. They invite triangulation, where one person is pulled into taking sides. This ends up harming the couple’s bond.
This boundary reaffirms unity: You and your partner are allies, not adversaries. It also teaches your in-laws that your marriage is its own family system and deserves respect.
4. ‘That’s not something I want to go into right now.’
This is a great blanket statement for dealing with hot-button subjects like politics, fertility, family planning, or body image.
For some family members, the only way they know how to create connections is by trying to get a rise out of you. This kind of communication tactic can lead to frustration or resentment.
But you don’t owe anyone an explanation. You’ve made life choices that make sense for you, and you are not on anyone else’s path or timeline.
Repeating your boundary with calm clarity can help you stay grounded and maintain a sense of agency.
5. ‘We’re the parents and we decide how we approach food as a family.’
You can rely on this response when a relative enforces food rules to your kids like “You have to finish all of your dinner before you get dessert.”
Even in extended-family spaces, you remain your child’s parent. Assertive, respectful communication not only reinforces boundaries but models self-respect for your children.
This is a way to teach them to trust themselves, and say “no,” in a kind, clear and firm manner.
6. ‘The holidays are hard to balance for everyone. We’re grateful we had this time together.’
Use this phrase when guilt appears in the form of lines like, “It’s too bad you couldn’t stay longer.”
You can be compassionate without taking on someone else’s disappointment. Guilt is often a way people express longing or loss. Acknowledge the feeling without absorbing it.
Many families are consistent and predictable: If they’ve done something before, they’ll likely do it again.
When you stop expecting them to suddenly change, you can focus on what you can control: your preparation, your boundaries, and your presence.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish is a clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and relationship expert. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, Forbes and Time, and her research has appeared in peer-reviewed academic journals. She is the host of the parenting podcast Dear Dr. Tracy and the author of “You, Your Husband and His Mother” and “I Didn’t Sign Up for This.”
Earn more and get ahead with CNBC’s online courses. Black Friday starts now! Get 25% off select courses and 30% off exclusive bundles with coupon code GETSMART. Offer valid November 17 through December 5, 2025.
