When my wife and I got married 23 years ago, I earned roughly three times as much. I worked two full-time jobs and was the primary earner in our household.
Today, that dynamic has intentionally reversed. My wife earns about five times more than I do.
Our situation isn’t unusual. Income roles are more fluid than they were a few decades ago. In the 1970s, men were far more likely to be the sole or primary breadwinners. Dual-income households are now the norm, and women are increasingly out-earning their partners.
As a financial counselor who works primarily with couples, I’ve seen firsthand that we all have different financial realities. What feels fair in one relationship may not work in another.
Still, one thing has remained constant in our marriage: We’ve always managed our money together through joint accounts — and our relationship is stronger because of it. What’s hers is mine, and what’s mine is hers. Here’s why.
1. We treat finances as a shared responsibility
From the beginning, we approached money the same way we approached marriage: as a shared project.
With joint accounts, there’s no mental math about whose income covers which expense. Our lives are intertwined, and our financial system reflects that reality.
Research supports this approach. Studies show that couples who use joint bank accounts, particularly engaged and newly married couples, tend to experience greater relationship satisfaction over time. They also report fewer conflicts about money and feel more confident about how household finances are handled.
2. We recognize the value of unpaid labor
Much of the work that keeps a household running, like caregiving and domestic labor, doesn’t come with a paycheck. That doesn’t make it any less real.
We decided early on that assigning line-item dollar values to each contribution would invite scorekeeping and create unhealthy power dynamics. When money starts to represent status or control, tension follows.
Dividing finances strictly by income can also breed resentment, especially when one partner’s work inside the home enables the other’s earning power outside it.
3. We consider time, not just money
On average, women still have less leisure time than men and spend more hours on caregiving and household management, even when they earn more. When one partner consistently has less rest, flexibility or downtime, frustration tends to build.
A fair financial system should account for the full picture of work and recovery, not just what shows up on a pay stub.
4. We respect that each person has their own money history
People’s relationships with money are shaped by financial trauma, family norms, past relationships and cultural expectations. Because of that, a single “right” system doesn’t exist for every couple.
For example, couples entering second marriages may feel more comfortable keeping some finances separate. Partners with very different spending styles may benefit from a hybrid setup: a joint account for shared expenses like housing, childcare and utilities, paired with smaller personal accounts for discretionary spending.
5. We talk openly about breadwinning shifts
I’ve hosted many conversations with national experts about the challenges and opportunities that come with changing income roles. When earning dynamics shift, relationships can feel destabilized.
Earning is closely tied to identity, security and control. Acknowledging the discomfort that can accompany these changes makes a big difference.
Many couples experience these transitions quietly. Women who earn more may feel pressure to overcompensate at home. Men may struggle with anxiety tied to relevance or economic security. When traditional roles flip, unspoken tension around pride, power and equity can surface.
Always revisit your financial systems as life changes
How you split your money matters far less than whether your system reflects mutual respect, shared responsibility and honest communication.
This was what worked for us. Our tension around money has mostly originated from having three kids, getting married with no money to begin with, being financial opposites, and for most of our marriage, sending our children to very expensive private schools.
Income will rise and fall. Careers will change. Life will throw curveballs. What holds a marriage together is a shared understanding that both partners’ contributions count, regardless of what shows up on a paycheck.
Brian Page is the founder of Modern Husbands, a company dedicated to helping couples manage both financial and home responsibilities as a team. He holds a master’s degree in education and is certified as both an Accredited Financial Counselor® and a Fair Play Certified® domestic labor specialist.
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