Here’s why people risk everything for an affair: couple’s therapist

When Astronomer ex-CEO Andy Byron and the company’s HR head were caught cuddling on a jumbotron during a concert, the moral condemnation was followed by a collective question: Why would they risk their families and careers for a tryst?

As an executive counsellor and couples’ therapist, I often spend my days sitting across from clients who are contemplating or already involved in similar situations. Most are not abusers, narcissists, or sex addicts who engage in serial cheating. They are good people: hardworking, kind, and devoted to their careers and families.

So, what makes a person — even one who swears they would never cheat — suddenly cross the precipice and risk everything for an affair?

Humans are wired to want the approval of others, and as social beings, our survival often depends on it. We “go with the flow,” repressing our emotions to please those around us.

But like a spring that becomes more tightly wound with each passing year, this can quietly lay the groundwork for a violent recoil.

Here are five surprisingly common psychological pitfalls that can make someone risk everything for an affair.

Many of my clients who have engaged in extramarital affairs have always considered themselves to be “good.” They listened to their parents, studied hard, landed a lucrative job, got married, had kids, and followed every societal expectation to the letter.

For them, love and acceptance in childhood were linked to achievement, and they often reach middle age without having a clear sense of who they really are. When an uneasy sense that “something is missing” inevitably starts to emerge, they sometimes turn to an affair in an attempt to fill the void.

It’s no surprise that perfectionism is a trait I see in almost all of my high-performing clients. But perfectionism is often a response to trauma. Children in volatile environments or those given inconsistent approval often believe that doing everything perfectly will keep them safe.

Over time, they become weary of enforcing impossibly high standards on themselves and those around them. When an affair beckons, they may suddenly give up on trying to be perfect and double down in the opposite direction.

For them, an illicit relationship can feel like being set free from their own unrealistic expectations — a salve that softens the rigidity that has framed their lives.

People with weak boundaries often had parents who were somehow incapacitated — through addiction, poverty, feeling overwhelmed, or simple immaturity — and the role of providing emotional stability at home fell on their small shoulders.

Parentified children derive their sense of value from successfully anticipating and meeting the needs of others. But eventually, they start to feel resentful of the people they are “helping.”

When an affair comes knocking, they rationalize it by telling themselves they have spent their entire lives giving to others, and now it is time to do something just for themselves.

As renowned couples’ therapist Esther Perel points out in her book “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity,” the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the relationship.

Some of my clients engage in affairs after enduring years of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. A secret relationship can be an unexpected but welcome reprieve from decades of unkind treatment.

It can also be a subconscious form of retaliation, a decision to blow up the relationship once and for all in an attempt to save oneself. There is no turning back once an affair is exposed, and scorched earth offers them a chance to start afresh.

One of the first questions I ask clients who are contemplating an affair is whether they have recently lost someone or something close to them. Grief is a catalyst, and it is often the death of a parent that triggers a reassessment of current relationships and priorities.

During this period of re-evaluation, boundaries become more permeable, which sometimes allows a party outside of the marriage to gain access.

Nobel laureate Albert Schweitzer is quoted as having said: “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.”

It is this intoxicating sense of emotional enlightenment that makes many feel an affair is worth risking everything they once valued. Their world view narrows until every aspect of their lives outside of the affair partner is diminished in their field of vision. It is only in retrospect that things settle back into their correct scale and the situation can be viewed objectively.

For some couples, an affair can trigger the demise of a marriage that had already run its course. For others, it can prompt self-reflection and a renegotiation of the union’s terms, allowing them to emerge stronger and better than before.

Professionally, the consequences can be career-altering and irreversible.

Learning how to advocate for yourself before you reach any emotional breaking point is both a personal and professional superpower.

Lisa Oake is a former co-host of CNBC Asia’s Squawk Box. She is now a media trainer, executive counsellor, and the host of the Being Human podcast. Lisa holds master’s degrees in both journalism and counselling. Her articles focus on executive mental health, leadership, and effective communication.