I’m not one to jump on the bandwagon of declaring anything and everything you might not like about your date a red flag. But some things are very clear, and your job is to pay attention and act accordingly.
I’ve been a dating coach for the past 15 years, and one question I get over and over is about red flags, especially on the first date.
Now, some things are a matter of preference or taste. Think: Their pants are too short. Their hair is too long. Their sense of humor doesn’t match mine. Other things are personal dealbreakers. For example, if someone wants children and you don’t.
While preferences and even dealbreakers are a matter of alignment rather than inherently good or bad, a red flag is a universal, character-based issue like dishonesty, lack of empathy, disrespect, manipulation, or anything that compromises your emotional or physical safety.
These first date phrases are clear red flags:
1. ‘My ex was crazy/the cause of our breakup’
Especially if unprompted, the minute your date — a virtual stranger — starts bashing an ex, it tells you one of several things. This person:
- Is not taking accountability
- Lacks the social awareness to know that it’s simply too soon to share this information
- Could speak negatively about anyone in their life one day, including you
- May not be over the last relationship — and certainly has some bitterness — to have it come up so soon and so negatively
My recommendation is not to ask about past relationships on a first date. It’s too soon. I tell my clients to see how someone shows up in the present, and use that information to assess. In the early stages of dating, we’re collecting data points, and it’s much more important to be an observer than a detective.
2. ‘I’ve never dated a [race/ethnicity/religion/other identifying trait] person before’
A client recently told me that she was on a date, and the man she was with said to her, verbatim, “I’ve never dated a woman who wasn’t brown before.” (She happened to be white. And Jewish.) He went on to say, “But I saw a Sarah Silverman special once and I thought she was attractive, so maybe I am into Jewish women.” (I couldn’t make this up if I tried.)
She’s not just a Jewish or white woman, she’s herself. And no one should ever be made to feel as if they have to represent an entire race, ethnicity, religion, or other group.
3. ‘I’m not looking for anything serious right now’
Whether you classify this as a red flag is up to you. It’s actually quite honest, and maybe you’re also looking for something casual.
But assuming you’re dating with a relationship in mind, it is imperative to listen and use this information in your decision-making process.
Please take “right now” to mean “ever” or — harder to swallow but equally true — “with you.”
4. ‘My treat only if there’s another date’
I got a DM from a woman the other day asking me what she should’ve done in this situation: When offering to split the bill, her date said, “If I’m getting a second date, I’ll pay.”
I get that dating can be expensive, but this attitude is transactional, as if she owes him a second date. I told her, in no uncertain terms, that she should decline a second date. Since she had ultimately let him pay in the moment, I told her to block him after she declines to see him again because he’ll definitely be one of those guys who sends her a Venmo request.
If it were me, I might have declared, “I should get my half because I don’t see us going out again.” But I realize not everyone is comfortable with that level of confrontation.
The right way to turn down a second date
Do these first date red flags warrant leaving a date early? No. But they do warrant declining a second date.
And the way to do that, if asked, is to say: “Thanks so much for a nice time. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel the connection I’m looking for, but I wish you all the best.”
You’ll never regret taking the high road.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, a consulting company that helps people navigate the world of online dating, from first click to first date. Erika studied economics at Cornell University and received her MBA from Georgetown. She started A Little Nudge in 2011 after a seven-year career as an economist. It has been featured in outlets including The New York Times, The Washington Post, NPR, CBS, and Ask Men.
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