Being easy to talk to may seem like a fixed personality trait. But it’s actually something that anyone can easily learn to do: saying things that help people feel included.
Beyond simple politeness, being easy to talk to happens to be a powerful social and career advantage. It strengthens relationships and makes collaboration easier, especially if you hope to manage teams, lead projects, or work closely with clients.
As a speech coach, I frequently tell clients that what you don’t say often has more impact than what you do say. Here are seven phrases that easy-to-talk-to people never use.
1. ‘Calm down.’
Few phrases shut down a conversation faster. It shows a lack of respect and empathy. It also escalates tension, damages trust, offends people and leaves them less likely to share concerns in the future — including valuable workplace information you’re going to want to know.
A similar phrase to avoid: “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
2. ‘You look tired.’
Mentioning this to a family member might be an act of loving concern. But in professional or casual settings it often lands as invasive and demeaning.
You never know what someone may be dealing with outside of work; maybe they have a very good reason to be tired. Moreover, unsolicited comments about appearance rarely invite a productive response. If the remark doesn’t add value, it’s better left unsaid.
3. ‘Why are you telling me this?’
Most people share information for a reason. It might not always be perfectly clear, but if you want to get the best out of people and encourage them to flourish, you must practice patience and neutrality.
A more approachable response shows curiosity and openness, such as: “What are you most worried about? Tell me what you’re focusing on so I can understand.” Was that so hard?
4. ‘Why don’t you do you?’
This phrase is typically dismissive, condescending, and a little bit haughty, even when intended as humor. It signals judgment rather than interest, putting a damper on a conversation. Think of it this way: What information or meaning would be lost if people didn’t say this? None at all.
A related phrase to avoid: “Good luck with that.”
5. ‘You always…’ or ‘You never…’
This one’s right out of Therapy 101: Absolutes have a magical way of turning small disagreements into personal attacks.
These phrases shift the focus from a specific issue to someone’s character, which almost guarantees defensiveness. It’s far more productive to discuss concrete behaviors, specific moments, or how something made you feel.
6. ‘No offense, but…’
This phrase, along with variations like “I’m just being honest,” almost always precedes something unnecessary, unkind, or downright obnoxious.
If you can sense or predict that a comment may be offensive, that’s your cue to pause and reframe it constructively. Choosing a better approach in that moment is one of the clearest signals of emotional intelligence.
7. ‘Can we just move on?’
This statement, usually accompanied by a heaved sigh, minimizes the other person’s concern and asserts dominance in the conversation. It essentially says, “I outrank you, and don’t you forget it.”
It also suggests that their perspective isn’t worth your time, which discourages openness and honesty. Over time, people learn to avoid sharing ideas or problems with anyone who treats them this way.”
As you watch what you say and gain skill at minding your verbal manners, you’ll quickly notice that others seem more eager to collaborate and share information with you than your peers who remain grouchy, snarky or competitive in their speech habits.
John Bowe is a speech trainer, award-winning journalist, and author of “I Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in an Age of Disconnection.” He has contributed to The New Yorker, The New York Times Magazine, This American Life, and many others. Visit his website here.
Want to be a successful, confident communicator? Take CNBC’s online course Become an Effective Communicator: Master Public Speaking. We’ll teach you how to speak clearly and confidently, calm your nerves, what to say and not say, and body language techniques to make a great first impression. Get started today.
