Cuffing season — the time of year when people frantically look for partners to help keep them warm during the cold, dark winter — is upon us.
This year, it comes as women and men alike complain about the straight dating scene. A July New York Times Magazine cover story talked about “heterofatalism,” a term used to capture women’s exasperation with men, and a recent Tinder report finds that 94% of women and 91% of men think dating is getting harder.
Thankfully, there’s a useful way to understand what’s going wrong: market design. As a Harvard-trained economics professor, I study how markets help people find the right matches. Dating works the same way: A “market” is simply a system that connects people to the options they want. Right now, it isn’t going great for many of the people who are still searching.
The problem with the dating market
There are too many options.
To those who aren’t themselves slogging through the dating apps, the fact that more potential partners makes things harder might seem counterintuitive. We typically think that having more choices is good for us. It lets us be more selective. Why settle for a partner who is mediocre when someone better is just a swipe away?
The real problem is that everyone has more choices, including the people who are deciding whether you’re worth pursuing. This means that many more people who you might be interested in dating will decide that you’re not right for them.
How should you deal with this problem? The optimal approach has two parts.
1. Ditch the disinterested
Aggressively screen out people based on their interest in you.
You might be used to screening out people below your bar: swiping left on people you don’t find attractive or cutting off chats when someone isn’t charming enough.
But you need to also get in the habit of dropping people who aren’t quickly showing a strong enough desire to match with you. Are they taking a day to respond to your chats? Cut them loose. Do they cancel a date at the last minute without an ironclad excuse? On to the next. It might seem like they’re playing hard to get; chances are, they’re not playing at all.
Quickly ditching these people and moving on can be tough, particularly because we are attracted to what we can’t have. But an analogy to a less emotional market might help.
An employer should be eager to cut loose an applicant who doesn’t seem that interested in their job. They might only want a paycheck or a stop gap. That kind of employee may repeatedly call in sick or leave as soon as a better opportunity comes along.
Daters hoping for a more substantial relationship should think similarly about candidates for their position.
2. Lean into idiosyncratic preferences
Identify what you — and specifically you — desire in a partner. What do you particularly value that may not be commonly desired by others? Economists call these your idiosyncratic preferences, distinguishing them from general preferences that are more commonly held.
Sure, you might like people who are classically attractive, work great jobs, and have high social status. But those general preferences attract many potential partners besides you. The chance that you happen to be the person that excites them the most — among their many options — is likely to be slim.
In contrast, someone you like because of your idiosyncratic preferences — because they share your hobbies, have an unconventional look you find attractive, or display a sense of humor that appeals to you — is a better bet.
Research suggests that people are more successful on dating markets when they go after people they like based on idiosyncratic preferences rather than general ones. The former group might be surprised to learn that you are interested in them and might be eager to get to know you better; the latter group already suspects you’re interested (join the club).
And since people are looking for idiosyncrasies, you should advertise yours, too. Let potential daters know about your quirks (the kind that attract some people while repelling others) on your profile and on first dates. Sure it might send some people packing, but the ones who are drawn to you are better matches anyway.
A focus on idiosyncratic preferences can turn the “too many options” problem of dating apps back into a plus. A larger dating pool means there are probably more people out there who are quirky in the particular ways you like. To be successful in the dating market — during cuffing season or otherwise — you just have to make sure your energy is focused on finding them.
Judd Kessler is the Howard Marks Endowed Professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania and the author of “Lucky by Design: The Hidden Economics You Need to Get More of What You Want.”
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