Should you tell your friend if you don’t like their significant other?

My friends have had some questionable significant others.

Some partners were verbally abusive, while others were egotistical and antisocial. Despite feeling compelled to speak up, I’ve never known if I should.

Whether or not to tell a friend you don’t like their partner is a conundrum that clinical psychologist and associate professor of psychology at The Chicago School Gloria Morrow has helped patients navigate.

“I always ask them: ‘Why do you want to say something?’,” she says. There are usually various motivations.

Depending on the circumstances, here’s how Morrow recommends you handle it.

Sometimes there are clear signs that your friend’s significant other is physically abusive, controlling or dealing with an issue like substance abuse. In that case, you’ll want to speak up, Morrow says.

Remember that your friend likely cares about their partner and might be protective of them. When you have that conversation, “focus on the behavior and not the character of the person,” she says.

Say you’re noticing “some signs that you may be in trouble,” says Morrow, like visible bruises.

It’s important that you be supportive and not judgmental. Morrow suggests saying: “What I want you to know is I’m here for you. I’m here to help you. I’m here to support you, whatever you need.”

“You want to always be a safe place for your friend,” she says, “not a judge.”

After talking with your friend, follow up by sending some resources for the kind of behavior you’re worried might be taking place.

If you spend enough time with them, you might notice your friend’s partner exhibiting some shady behavior.

Maybe that looks like negging and “putting the friend down,” Morrow says. They might spend a little too much time talking about your friend’s looks or how they dress.

In that instance, whether or not you call it out is up to you. If you decide to speak up, remember, again, that the focus should always be your friend’s wellbeing.

Morrow says you can take your friend aside and say something like: “I’m really feeling a certain way about the way I hear this person speaking to you. Are you okay with that?”

Sometimes the situation is much tricker. Let’s say you’re out and see your friend’s significant other with someone else. It’s possible they’re on a date, but maybe not.

If you observed something that might be cause for concern, you might want to let your friend know you saw their partner out and that you were a little confused about their behavior. But don’t get into the details just yet, Morrow says.

First, ask your friend if they’d like to hear more. That puts the ball in their court.

There is one instance when Morrow advises to just leave it alone: If “you just don’t like their vibe,” she says.

Maybe your friend’s partner has an annoying personality or their politics differ from your own. It’s possible you think your friend could do better. Whatever the reason you have for disapproving of them, if it has nothing to do with your friend’s wellbeing, it is not a reason to bring it up.

“Those are things that you need to keep to yourself,” Morrow says. “Because obviously your friend is happy with this person.”

In any scenario, Morrow says to always consider the risk.

“When we do speak up to a friend about who they’re dating or who they’re with, it could damage the friendship,” she says.

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