Many of us measure our friendships by depth or quantity: Do I have enough close friends? Are they texting me back? Do they like me?
But having spent the last 15 years studying happiness, I’ve learned that when you evaluate your friendships based only on these metrics, you become lonelier.
Strong relationships are the key to happiness and good health, according to the Harvard Study of Adult Development. But “strong relationships” doesn’t mean one deep friendship with your bestie or a long list of friends who are indistinguishable from one another. It means having the right mix.
In my research, I’ve found that there are three essential types of friends you need in your life to be truly happy. Here’s how you can identify them, and why they are so important.
1. Anchor friends
Your anchor friend is the one you’d call at 2 a.m. The one who sees all your flaws and loves you for them. This is a friendship where you feel safe to be vulnerable.
They know your story, your fears, your values, and they keep you grounded. They will support you and have your back no matter what.
Why they are essential for happiness: These friendships can sustain you through life’s hardest moments, whether that’s a career crisis, a relationship ending, or a personal loss. They’re your foundation for connection and resilience.
2. Spark friends
These are people outside your usual circle. This could be your yoga class friend. The person you met at a conference who works in a different field. Your book club crew. Your neighbor who has a totally different life experience than you, but nevertheless is a kindred spirit.
Spark friends bring fresh energy and stimulation into your life. They remind you that there are different ways to live, work, and be. They bring novelty, lightness and new possibilities into your life by acting as sources of unexpected inspiration.
Why they are essential for happiness: They help us avoid isolation and stagnation, particularly as we age. Research has found that older adults with more “weak ties,” like these spark friends often are, experience greater emotional resilience and fewer depressive symptoms.
You might not talk to your spark friend every day, but when you do, you always learn something or feel energized.
3. Bridge friends
These are relationships with people who have different access, experience, or influence than you do. This could be your mentor, a wise older friend, a former boss or professor who has become your peer.
Your bridge friend is often someone who’s a few steps ahead, or a few steps behind, if you’re the one doing the mentoring. Bridge friends provide perspective. They expand your sense of what’s achievable, and can help you see how far you have come.
Why they are essential for happiness: These connections remind you how many ways there are to live a good life, and that you are on the right track, which can help you develop a sense of optimism about the future.
So ask yourself:
- Do I have anchor friends I can be completely authentic with?
- Do I know spark friends outside my usual circles?
- Do I have bridge friends who mentor me, or whom I mentor?
If you’re missing any of these, you know where to focus. These connections may be closer than you think. Remember, you don’t need 100 friends to be happy. The key is to have a strategic variety. That’s how you build a happy, resilient life.
Jessica Weiss is a keynote speaker and executive coach who teaches people and businesses how to find more happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction at work. With a background in positive psychology, she’s spent 15 years working with global brands like Coca-Cola, Johnson & Johnson and American Express. She is the author of “Happiness Works: The Science of Thriving at Work.” She earned her BA from the University of Pennsylvania and an MBA from Columbia Business School.
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