Many couples have to work through tough money conversations, but that requires both people to come to the table. If one partner refuses to engage every time money comes up, that may be a sign that you’re incompatible.
That behavior, known as “stonewalling,” is the most glaring red flag to look out for when assessing how financially compatible you are with your partner, says Erika Wasserman, a financial therapist and CEO of Your Financial Therapist based in Parkland, Florida.
“If one person’s checked out, it doesn’t work in any part of your relationship — with sex, with religion, with money,” Wasserman says. “If you’re both not willing to work on [financial intimacy] and be open, then it’s time to evaluate the relationship.”
Whether we like it or not, we need money in life, which is why financial intimacy is so important, Wasserman says. A partner who refuses to talk about money early in a relationship will likely continue that behavior, even if you become more emotionally intimate with them, she adds.
“You want someone that’s willing to work on it, that are looking to build that conversation, to be vulnerable with you,” Wasserman says. When you have a partner who is willing to talk about finances, “then there’s hope for the relationship.”
Start the conversation through storytelling
Talking about money is often taboo and uncomfortable, which is why no one is expecting you to break up with your partner if they don’t want to talk about their salary and budget on the third date.
In fact, Wasserman says she advises against starting with direct questions and blatant conversations about money because they, “tend to put people on guard.”
Instead, focus on casually sharing values through storytelling Wasserman says. Talk about what grocery shopping looked like for your family growing up or what your first job looked like and why you decided to start working.
When you do need to be direct, which can be appropriate at times, lead with compassion and empathy, because not everyone will have the same experiences and beliefs when it comes to money, Wasserman says.
The most important step is to just “start the conversation,” Wasserman says.
“If we don’t talk to each other and understand our ‘whys’ of who we are and how we came about, making financial decisions with a partner becomes challenging, because you both have unique perspectives,” Wasserman says.
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