We’ve all been there: It’s morning, the clock is ticking, and your child has decided they absolutely will not put on clothes today. You need to get out the door. But the bigger goal is getting out the door without everyone yelling or crying. That’s where teamwork comes in.
You and your partner might have different approaches. For example, you might lean into choices, asking, “Okay, do you want to get dressed now, or after breakfast? It’s up to you.” Meanwhile, your partner might be more playful, saying, “Hmm, are these clothes invisible, or is your shirt hiding? Let’s find it!”
As a parenting coach and the author of “Transforming Toddlerhood,” I’ve found that when you’re in sync on the big goal, both parents don’t have to tackle it exactly the same way. Different strategies can lead to the same destination. But what happens when you both have wildly different parenting styles?
That’s when resentment and frustration can creep in, fueled by the temptation to focus on being right instead of working together. The key is to shift the focus from being right to being aligned. You want to open a dialogue and find common ground without making your partner feel wrong. Here’s how.
1. Get curious and create a connection
Start by seeking to understand, not to convince. Approach your partner’s perspective with genuine curiosity. Ask thoughtful questions:
- “Where did you learn to do it this way?”
- “What’s your goal here?”
- “How does using this approach make you feel?”
- “What impact does this approach have on our family?”
When you pause and listen without judgment or interjecting your own thoughts and emotions, you create a space where your partner feels safe to share. This reduces defensiveness and paves the way for productive conversation. Avoid slipping into criticism, which only adds fuel to the fire.
2. Talk about the facts
Once you’ve listened and your partner feels heard, you can share your perspective, but with care.
- Ask for permission. Before diving into your thoughts, invite the conversation: “Would it be okay if I shared with you a thought I had the other day?”
- Stick to the facts. Instead of focusing on opinions, share information: “I listened to a podcast that talked about this, and it was interesting…”
Facts shift the conversation from “my way versus your way” to “something worth considering.” It also takes the pressure off your partner to agree immediately, creating space for reflection. If your partner is more open, then you might try saying, “I’ve been trying to do [X], and here’s what I noticed.”
3. Get curious again
After sharing your perspective, turn the conversation back to your partner. Ask follow-up questions to keep the dialogue open:
- “What do you think about this?”
- “Have you ever heard about that before?”
- “Would you be open to trying it?”
We are often much more open to new ideas when we feel respected and included. If someone senses they’re being lectured or criticized, their walls will go up, and the conversation will stall.
Refocusing the discussion around their thoughts can encourage better partnership and reduce resistance.
4. Model the behavior
Ultimately, you cannot control your parenting partner. The most powerful way to influence your co-parent is by modeling the behavior and approach you believe in.
Demonstrate your philosophy through your actions. Let your partner see the positive results of your methods in real time. For example, if you want to focus on positive discipline, let your partner see it in action.
If they notice your approach is diffusing tantrums or creating connection, they’ll likely grow curious: What’s working so well?
When your co-parent notices progress, like calmer transitions, fewer power struggles or a more connected child, they may naturally wonder about what’s working and want to join in. Focus on controlling what you can: your own thoughts, words and actions.
Devon Kuntzman, PCC, is a parenting coach and the founder of Transforming Toddlerhood. She is also the author of “Transforming Toddlerhood: How to Handle Tantrums, End Power Struggles, and Raise Resilient Kids—Without Losing Your Mind.”
Want to get ahead at work with AI? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course, Beyond the Basics: How to Use AI to Supercharge Your Work. Learn advanced AI skills like building custom GPTs and using AI agents to boost your productivity today. Use coupon code EARLYBIRD for 25% off. Offer valid from Jan. 5 to Jan. 19, 2026. Terms apply.
